Now let’s keep walking

Today is going to be a round two of sorts, or a reversal at that. I never saw myself getting caught up in this kind of situation, can’t believe this is happening at all. Shit happens, I guess. HAHA.

But the silver lining right here is that I am able to do a reverse despite the mud I got myself into. I mean, how lucky I can get?? Truly, madly and deeply #blessed.

To be handed a seemingly promising fortune that you didn’t ask for would definitely disrupt any form of stability you’re holding onto. Looking away and letting it be a what-if that would probably haunt you in the future would really be very stupid, and so to push it under the rug was not an option. But like any other new experience, there’s the adjustment, the easing in, the conditioning. These ought to be normal, but my too-hard-on-myself nature was not having it I never did anything right in my own standards. And the walls I worked hard to build strongly over the years were suddenly crumbling emotions started to knock on me, as if reminding me that feelings do exist. For the first time in a long while, I felt vulnerable and helpless and I couldn’t embrace that. The thought of getting past these before only to find myself drowning again was something I couldn’t let go of, because to me, dealing with it not just once is no longer acceptable. I was too stubborn to allow space for my supposedly reconfiguration, and that was when it felt like it’s a fight that I should not win anymore. I then realized that it never really got to the point where there was absolute connection, and I just wanted out. It was very exhausting — physically, emotionally and mentally. I never felt so consumed.

But it’s not to say that it was a wrong turn as a whole, this may be me seeing things in perspective again (hallelujah) but I’d like to deem it as an unsolicited avenue for my self-discovery. I can now look at it as a revelation of what and where I am willing to pour my energy on, and that the way my thoughts are being processed is not the same as everyone’s. I still think about whether how I’m dealing with this circumstance is the best way though — am I a coward for choosing to take the next steps out or is there merit to holding on a bit longer? Aaahh, my mind couldn’t picture myself staying put for more than I did and I take that as a validation that this is the way.

I know in my heart that I was really meant to take that leap, only it had to conclude early. Shit happens yes, but I now know that it’s a detour, and I’m thankful that I followed the sign.

Now let’s keep walking.