Day 29
10:38, Sunday evening. It’s Easter, as what many people would call it. I have no personal attachments or POV on that, so let’s leave it as it is. Would love to open up about it one of these days as well, but for now I’d say it’s Day 29. I’m on my bed trying to construct this entry and Polish Girl by Neon Indian is playing on the background. It’s kind of jumpy which makes it hard for me to warm up for the first few lines hence, this. I’m also consuming my iced coffee at this point, not because I have plans of staying really late (it’s freaking Monday again tomorrow and I’m dreading it with all my heart) but because I have not poo’d yet so I’m kind of hoping I would before dozing off tonight.
What can I say! The past week was just too much for me to take. Our family friend (who’s been a really good one to my parents since we were still kids) caught the virus and unfortunately didn’t make it. What’s worse is that he’s on board the ship in Spain and the thought of him dealing with the sickness alone, it’s just unimaginable. I usually don’t have deep interactions with aunties and uncles but he and his wife are so charming they’re one of the few whom I’m okay to laugh with whenever there’s a small get-together at our house. I also won’t forget how he used to cook the best laing in the world (with special chicharon on top), and how he knew how much I love his recipe that he always brought a tub for me. I just can’t help but cry. It’s been six days since we found out, and this news hasn’t really left my mind. There’s just so many things to think about — him being able to go home to his family, but how, and when? Did he get the care that he needed? What were on his mind? Was he at peace? Aaaahh. I’m just this “daughter-of-their-friend” to their lives yet I feel so strong about what happened, how much more for the family who’s at the core of this whole thing? My heart goes out to them at this very difficult time, and I wish we can do more than just phone calls and Messenger chats (pat on the back to my Mama) but that’s just how it is right now.
Which makes me think. I actually have been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now but the courage to talk about it openly (to Ian at least, and to you reading this) just crept in. An initial timeframe I set for myself to tick off two things on my list (I don’t call it bucket list, just a to-do, because really, I didn’t put it there for me to achieve and be okay to die after) would be three years, and that sounds reasonable enough until this pandemic happened. I’m at this point where I think about the future (wow, is this really me) but will there be a future to think about in the first place? And if there is, will I be there to witness and be part of it? What will 2023 look like? Will I be able to continue earning the same as I am now and eventually save up for the last two things on my list? Will we ever get to host a gathering for our friends? Will we be able to play "All In” again and do sleepovers during the weekend? That’s three years worth of wonderings but until then —
Will I turn 30 on Zoom? Will we have to do a no-show again for our upcoming trip in September? How will we celebrate Christmas by December? Are we out by then? Will we be able to hug our friends, take photos and laugh like it’s the same?
It’s like I’m in one of those summer vacations back in high school and college where the only things I get to interact with are my blog (the 2005 definition, please) and my hardbound planners and journals. I used to whine about those days because it literally felt like prison but right now feels like it’s a different lifetime. I completely understand why this has to happen and I’m all for this lockdown. It may be too over the top and crazy but — what if, what if the time comes when I need to channel the Evelyn Abbott in me, oh my gosh will I be able to survive a nail on my foot?
I’m saying I’m choosing to be realistic at this point (and I know I’m failing, I’m going crazy, can no longer function properly and fuck that I have to — it’s fucking Monday gahd, you’ll never ever be a good day) because I’m so, so tired of downplaying it and faking positivity l o l please can we just take it as it is! I’m thankful that boredom, what to eat and watch next, workout routines, etc. etc. are what’s comprising my every day these days but I’m just having enough of it all. Not to mention the sucky Viber messages and e-mails that bring nothing but annoyance and bad vibes. Please. Let me fucking have my peace.
Thinking of you, Tito Frank.