Must be the "Ghost Month"

It must be what they call the “Ghost month”.

For the first time in a year, I skipped work out of.. well, I just didn’t feel like it. I found myself asking permission to take a sick leave this morning, and though I was not expecting a negative answer, I braced myself for it — and the response I had in my head was unusually skewed towards I don’t care.

I’ve been feeling physically tired lately, which I always saw as a default part of the job that I’m into. Until I reached this point where I’m slowly trying to embrace the fact that I’m way past my mid-twenties meaning I’m no longer that young girl who used to overlook the flaws of the culture and the system, that young girl who used to always take one for the team.

My eyes see the facts, the truth. I see it not because I choose to, but because they can no longer be ignored. The ship will sail if the rowers all move at the same direction — and it baffles me that this, apparently is not common sense after all. That it should be spoon-fed like writings on an idiot board, only ours would read "kindly use your brain”.

I have never taken this route of dwelling on stupid work shit in spaces like this my entire life, because to me, taking the high road would always be the only option. Professionalism is not ranting, not whining. But here I am, not giving a damn no matter how I sound right now. Fuck it.

I’m now recognizing that I won’t always have the strength to carry more things heavier than my capacity. That I won’t always have the energy to understand how to some, comprehension is not easy. That thinking how I need to get my paycheck every two weeks won’t always be enough motivation (although yes, this physiologically has to do but for emotion’s sake, let’s acknowledge this).

And if you think I’m always willing to spend time more than what I’m being paid for — newsflash, I’m not.

***

I fucking miss the boys. And until now it saddens me that we had to part, and for reasons I still couldn’t understand. Or maybe I could, I just have not come to terms with my heart on this just yet. When it’s not frustration I’m feeling, I can probably share our wonderful story. But right now, forgive me.

***

I never intended to put this out here, but it’s a journal, right? It should work how my physical planners do, yes?

Angry, might delete later.

Lol.

It’s definitely easy to say to jump out of the ship, but adulting is real man.

I guess I’m just really tired. s i c k & t i r e d

It must be the "Ghost month”.

It has to be.