Feelings

The past week I found myself staring blankly into the nothingness a couple of times, yet it felt so, so heavy. Actually been feeling very heavy for a while now, for a good number of months I’d say — and yes it feels unhealthy, yes it feels sad.

To the point that I’ve been dreading to get up in the morning, even the clock ticking makes me feel very anxious. Weekends are the only thing I look forward to the most, but when it’s the weekend, I can’t help but get more anxious about it ending, and weekdays coming again.

To be honest, these all feel very unfamiliar to me, and I’d like to believe that that’s good progress — because at the same goddamn time, these all feel very familiar to me too. And that makes me feel like the good progress do not matter at all.

God, why do I have to get caught up in here again?

Why did I put myself here again?

It sucks feeling scared.

Moreso that I don’t know why.

***

Jumped into this with all the bravery that I had only to find myself drowning in fear once I realized I’m in. Like it’s expectation vs. reality only this isn’t a meme. I sincerely feel like my bravery betrayed me.

I’ve always been on the underpromise-overdeliver side of things but this storyline had a little twist where there’s a bit of a hype in the beginning and I gotta admit that’s partly why it was exciting. There’s this light that somehow suggested a deviation from the cliches of my life — nothing special. I stupidly got sold with the idea that it’s gonna be rainbows and butterflies this time that I forgot that life isn’t as kind as I hope it to be. It’s a quicksand, it always is, and now it’s dawning on me again.

***

It’s gonna get all muddy,

But I’m swimming the hell out of this and getting my guard back up.