Day 90 — Something Yshy

Day freaking ninety. The counting is still on and my OC self is annoyed that I didn’t get to do an entry for days in the eighties! I was supposed to write one last night but I was knocked out earlier than usual — 9 PM can you believe it?? But it was probably because my body took going out for the first time in exactly three months as a foreign activity that even if it was just half of a day, it felt like I got ran over by a truck or got punched in the face! YES. I finally went out but only because I needed to!

Our company required us to go to the office for a rapid test on COVID-19 and happy to know that I have negative results so yay!

To be out in a long time felt like a breather that was necessary and I was glad to have seen the “outside world” again, but it also reinforced my view that staying inside is the safest and most rational thing to hold onto at this time (but again, only if you can, if your situation allows you to). Gahd, the roads are not at all commuter-friendly! It may sound a little dramatic but though there are a lot of things I’m still aiming and wishing for, what and where I am right now are enough reasons for me to be so, so thankful. Like even though these things that I’m working on to have are just merely attempts at this point, the fact that I’m able to actually “attempt” even if it’s just inside my head is an indication that there’s hope for me. Others are not as lucky to even hope for things outside survival, and realizing that finding what to eat for the day might be the farthest horizon for them just shoves this reality to my face. Like really, why do I have the guts to complain about the mud on my shoes? Or to pout over the no dine-in policy?

I honestly feel like getting through this crisis will take time, but when that happens, I just hope that it will be a sure hit — total wipe-out, no recurrences.

Aaahh, I know there’s a lot going on and it’s too crazy that sometimes you’d find yourself asking if holding on is still something you could give to the world, but as hard as it is — it’s all or nothing baby.