Don't you curse at me on text, why you try to hit the flex?

Finally found myself opening my personal laptop for the first time nine days since the agency shutdown! I deem that as both good and bad because yay that means days offline (or does it really, l o l) but time wasted too at the same time. Oh well

*****

First things first — allow me to vent.

To fucking vent.

Like a seventeen year-old because that’s how I’m still being treated in the house I’ve always want to get away from. HAH! That’s so fucking good to say (type, I mean) out loud and I want to continue. I don’t care. Positive, negative — any energy is energy. Let’s fucking release ittttt

Actually no longer have qualms about me needing to strategize my “going out” operations because that’s just freaking old news. Yknow having to say there’s this shit at work when it’d really be a day [/s] with friends whom I'd practically drop everything for has been a decade-long routine and it doesn’t really matter anymore. In an ideal scenario, I’d never want to do white lies because why is it even necessary — I’m not stealing or killing anyone when I’m out, but what the fuck, I’d rather burn in hell than miss out on life. What ticks me greatly is that — considering I’m already 31, and has been living up to family standards (even exceedingly, I should say and I can freaking prove it) yet these are being thrown out of the bus when the momster mood kicks in. Where is the fucking fairness in that? I repeat, I’m 31.

For context:

We were able to establish habits that work for our benefits — the year has been generally great so to speak. It’s a trade-off (which again is not necessary because I’m just being a normal individual trying to live my life), that I accepted to be doing until whenever it’s safe to pull out. I’ve come to see it as a long-term investment which I hope won’t leave me with more losses than what I have devoted myself to. Okay I know it feels like I’m running in circles here so I’ll just drop it like it’s hot.

My mom is a monster. Always has been. I never had a fun childhood — I’m one of those loser kids who never experienced dipping their toes on the sand (literally and figuratively - I had my first beach experience when I was 21 and that wasn’t even a legal trip lol). My high school teacher had to call our landline so I could be allowed to join the school field trip because I was the only one in class who wouldn’t. Mama said no as expected but on the actual day of the field trip, she decided to open her heart (aww so fucking touching) but I ended up having no seat. My teacher made room for me by squeezing her stuff as much as she could. One of my best friends celebrated her debut and knowing how strict mom is, I already asked permission a few months prior and a day before the birthday, she just chose to be a bully where she suddenly decided that I musn’t come. It took a lot of convincing again down to the last minute. My thesis partner back in college got mad at me she didn’t want to believe that my mom’s just not allowing me to do overnights (at the age of eighteen and it being a schoolwork, gotta hand it to her, that was indeed quite unbelievable), so she abandoned me and told me to defend our paper on my own. In freshman year, there’s this org trip we went to and father was supposed to pick me up somewhere and claimed that he couldn’t find me so my friend who was very nice to extend help brought me to their house and asked his dad to drive us home which they did and for that, I’m truly grateful. Guess what — instead of saying thanks mom scolded me in front of him which in effect, stretched out to him too what the fuck. How fucking polite. There, those are tiny snippets but you get the picture. And that is why I love my friends so damn much I wish we’d just live together.

Fast forward to today, in the pandemic era and that I’m already 31 — at this age I still haven’t moved out which I could totally do in a whim but I’m not; Never asked for money since college graduation, just been bringing them in — I deserve a pat on the back, yeah? Right. So let’s drop it some more.

I’ve been working from home the past two years, locked up like everyone else, basically back to that summer break routine when I was still a teenager l o l. No social life, just home, inside the room. But working and I’ve got a pretty steady income so there’s stuff I’m able to buy from time to time. For myself and for everyone. Can practically say this girl right here’s able to carry the torch for the five-member household. But four most of the time because sister chose to get away and just be home whenever she feels like it. Then yknow we got hit by COVID right, with only me spared. Which opened an opportunity to arrange Ian’s regular visits here — we’d run errands, extend whatever help needed for whatever situation there is, mount birthday surprises and gifts when I’m able to, basically normal “family” stuff. It’s okay. Like I said, these habits have already been established and it’s alright. No expectations in return, no shit. Doing this for the love of, yknow.

And then we go back to why can’t I be granted the “freedom” that I need as an adult human being? Seriously, tho? As you know, it’s get-together season and the past few weeks have been packed. There’s one dinner where we crossed-over midnight (12:55 to be exact) and I got shot with a lot of hurtful messages saying I was being abusive, disrespectful and don’t know my limits what the actual fuck. Why would you say that to me?? A 31-year old individual who gave heads up that we were still having dinner and coffee after. Why can’t it be ingat (take care in Filipino) and don’t do it again? And what did I do? Crossed-over midnight that’s it.

I never wanted to be ranting with full transparency (this isn’t even it yet, not even close) because it fucking sounds stupid. Like really? 31, leading projects at work, giving advices to people, looking ahead and making dreams quietly happen one at a time — what’s worse? You’re fucking leaning on me people. I could clap back leaving no room for your rebuttal but not a single word was heard from me. And you never will, because I’d never be like any of you.

It’s also mind-boggling how y’all able to act like nothing happened, swearing as much as you breathe in and breathe out, saying a midnight prayer before you go to sleep like y’all saints and righteous.

Aaaaaggh.

This is the part where I borrow what the woke would love to say — T H E A U D A C I T Y

FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK THIS LIFE.

God.

I still wish I’m adopted.